


in a world where you're not near

by oikawatoorus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, I DONT MAKE THE RULES, IWA CHAN GOES TO SCHOOL HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD SORRY, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Beta Read, Wet Dream, pianist!iwa chan, so fucking angsty, this is a fucking trainwreck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:24:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4518258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oikawatoorus/pseuds/oikawatoorus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Absolutely not. I can’t. Do you understand that I cannot properly put into words how I am feeling? Like, it’s impossible.” He paused to run a hand through his hair. “Also, I’m not sure I’m in love with him. I just need to talk to him.”</p><p>(He is sure he’s in love; he’s just not sure it’s a good idea)</p><p>in which Iwaizumi knows for sure, Oikawa is confused and doesn't have a clue, and everyone else has known all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in a world where you're not near

**Author's Note:**

> written at 12:41 am with tears in my eyes

_i. and if you’re tired of hearing my voice_

Everyone tells you that high school flies by faster than you think it will. They tell you that one day you’ll wake up and you’ll be in your third year and then you’ll be graduating and you’ll miss it more than anything in the whole wide world, because next thing you know you have a college debt and a job and bills and you’re eating noodles for every meal.

(Oikawa doesn’t believe them, because the clocks in his classroom take their time when they tick, and the pages on his calendar barely move, and the sun leisurely sinks below the horizon, but the moon races across the sky and the night lasts for mere minutes)

But he’s finishing his finals and they’re handing him his graduation robes, and he’s realizing that perhaps they were right, and that the best years of his life are now behind him.

(But he doesn’t really mind)

He’s sitting next to Iwaizumi at the ceremony, struggling to keep his eyes open as the class representatives droned on about the future. How the future is bright, the future is bold, and the future is us.

(He almost believes them)

Almost, because perfection isn’t real. The future may be bright, but it’s always darkest before the dawn.

But perfection is close, because Iwaizumi is next to him; and he will be next to him for the foreseeable future.

(He should’ve known better)

The sun is sinking below the horizon, but it seems faster now that his countdown to the end of highschool is over. Because deadlines always seem to make time move slower. But when there are no deadlines in sight, time flows freely and quickly and vastly. It’s a phenomenon that Oikawa hates.

(He doesn’t like it because he knows that time is constant and that it’s not like time is actually ever slower or faster; it makes him mad because it’s his perspective and he has control over his perspective, yet he can’t shake the feeling that time is actually slower. It makes him feel like he has no control)

But just this once, he’s glad that time is slow, because in the moment Iwaizumi stops walking next to him and freezes in his tracks, Oikawa can see tears in his eyes, and he wants to freeze time and rewind time and erase time so he can fix whatever the problem is; so he doesn’t have to see Iwaizumi cry.

(But he can’t)

Then he wishes he could fast forward and skip time so that he doesn’t have to hear what Iwaizumi says next. So he doesn’t have to hear Iwaizumi say, “I’m not going to university with you.” So he doesn’t have to hear those words choked out and forced out of a tight throat, straining so that he doesn’t spill over and break down.

(He should’ve known better)

And it takes just as much effort for him not to snap and break when he smiles and nods and lies through his teeth. “It’s okay.”

(But it’s not)

Iwaizumi knows it’s not ok, because he’s shaking his head and his throat is still catching his words and not letting them free; his lips are still making shapes and opening to say something, but nothing is being said.

(Nothing needs to be said)

“Where are you going to school? Are you staying in Miyagi?” He’s quiet for a moment, still carefully choosing his words. “That’s… not too far from Tokyo.”

(But it feels far; he always feels far away when he’s not by his side)

Iwaizumi lets out a forced laugh, that sounds like a scratched CD or perhaps it’s like broken static to Oikawa’s ears. “I wish it was in Miyagi.” Oikawa wishes it was raining, to mask the tears in Iwaizumi’s eyes, on his cheeks, staining the pavement below them.

“I’m going to school in Europe. Berlin, Germany, to be exact. For piano.”

(Later, when Oikawa accepts this fact, he’ll do the math and the figures and the stats to find out how many hours, how many miles, how many kilometers, and how many dollars it takes to get to Iwaizumi from where he is)

“Oh.”

(He should’ve known better)

 

 

 

 

_ii. i’m gonna sing it to you, anyway_

 

He has several missed messages, several missed calls, several unanswered emails in his inbox. He hasn’t even listened to the voicemails, because he doesn’t care.

(He doesn’t care he doesn’t care he doesn’t care he doesn’t care _he doesn’t-_ )

He’s sure half of the messages on his phone are from Matsukawa and Hanamaki. He’s sure the other half are from Iwaizumi and he doesn’t want to read them. However, he does read the ones from Matsukawa and Hanamaki, and they are inviting him out to lunch. And he accepts, because he refuses to mope.

(He doesn’t care. Not really)

He meets them at a small restaurant in downtown. They have noodles and rice and the three of them share a dessert of some sort, and they talk like normal teenagers do. About school and volleyball and work and sports and girls and-

“You need to talk to him. He’s losing his mind about what happened, and he thinks you’re really mad at him.” Matsukawa says.

(He’s not mad)

“I’m not mad. I’m happy for him.”

(He is)

Hanamaki and Matsukawa share a look but don’t say anything more, for which Oikawa is grateful. They have always known when he was willing to talk and when he wasn’t willing to talk, because they were some of his best friends in the whole world.

He walks home by himself, purposefully avoiding the street where Iwaizumi lives, and taking the long way home.

(He doesn’t mind)

Oikawa continues to lay in bed and dream while his eyes are open about what could’ve been, about how he and Iwaizumi were supposed to be roommates, about how Oikawa was supposed to set to Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi would spike it across the court and they would finally win, and how he was supposed to go to all of Iwaizumi’s piano recitals.

(And when he finally falls asleep, he dreams of it then, too)

 

 

 

His silent treatment continues until his mom comes in his room and tells him that Iwaizumi’s flight leaves in 3 hours and that Iwaizumi is here to say goodbye.

 

(Oikawa hates the word “goodbye”)

He politely asks for his mother to please bring Iwaizumi into his room and to leave them alone.

Iwaizumi comes in, and leaves his suitcases in the hallway. He and Oikawa stare at each other for a few moments until Oikawa smiles a little bit, his eyes still glassy and tired.

Iwaizumi looks away from him. “Please don’t give me that fake smile, Oikawa. It’s worse than seeing you upset.”

(It irritates Oikawa how Iwaizumi can read him better than he himself can. It irritates him how he can be a stranger in his own body while Iwaizumi knows him like he knows a story that he’s heard a hundred times)

Oikawa smiles some more. “Fake it ‘till you make it, Iwa-chan. Please, have a seat.” He pats a spot on the bed next to him.

Iwaizumi shakes his head. “No, that’s ok. I need to make this quick or else I’ll be cutting it close.” He takes a steadying breath before looking Oikawa dead in the eyes. “Oikawa, you’re my best friend. You’re the only person in the world who I can look at and know I would lay down my life for you. I look at you, and I think of everything we’ve done together. I think of two eight year olds looking for bugs in the backyard and being covered in mud and dirt and then my mom yelling at us for tracking dirt in the house.”

(Iwaizumi-san had make Oikawa and Iwaizumi strip down to their underwear and then spray them both with the hose)

“I look at you and I think of two twelve year olds playing volleyball for the first time, and how I spiked a volleyball through your mom’s window and you took the blame and I was so grateful, but then you made me give you a piggyback ride around the school the next day.”

(But the window incident is how they found out that Iwaizumi would be a great ace one day, so it was worth it)

“I look at you and I think of two fourteen year olds sitting at a piano, when I played Moonlight Sonata for the first time, and how you had tears in your eyes and I pretended not to notice but I did, and how it meant so much to me to see my best friend so proud of me.”

(Oikawa was very proud of Iwaizumi for almost everything he did, though he’d never admit it)

“And.. I look at you and I think of a captain who cared about his teammates, and would have done anything for them. I look at you and I think of a big heart and a beautiful brain and a shitty personality on the outside, but I just see someone who so unabashedly loves and cares for everyone around him. I look at you and I see my best friend.”

(Oikawa would have really loved to say something here but he couldn’t find the words to properly formulate an accurate response to how he felt about Iwaizumi, and how Iwaizumi was his best friend and such a huge part of his life, and how he just wanted to be in his life for as long as he possibly could, but he couldn’t think of words and he couldn’t think of actions so he sat there and let Iwaizumi dominate the stage)

“But I also look at you and see someone I love. Someone who I love more than anything in the whole world and it scares me. It scares me so _fucking_ much. It terrifies me how much I love you and I can’t live in a room with you and know that you can’t feel the same way.”

(It scares him too, because now he’s confused and scared because his best friend loves him)

“So maybe it’s selfish of me to leave you here, but I can’t look at you without feeling guilty for being in love with you. So, yeah. You don’t have to respond to that or call me or talk to me ever again. Hell, I wouldn’t blame you for hating me. But I couldn’t leave without telling you those things. So… goodbye, I suppose.”

And then he left.

(He hates goodbyes)

 

 

 

 

_iii. cause i know that if we made it this far_

It takes a few days to figure out his next plan of action after Iwaizumi leaves, because he is still confused and unsure and hesitant.

(Oikawa has always liked girls, he thinks, but he isn’t sure; he’s never had a girlfriend, but he’s also never had a boyfriend)

He calls Matsukawa about a week after Iwaizumi left to tell him what happened, even though he isn’t sure about how Mattsun will react. He also it’s sure if he has the right to tell Matsukawa that Iwaizumi likes boys, but it’s been tearing at him all week and he needs to tell someone.

(Because if he doesn’t get this off his chest, he’ll do something stupid, like delete Iwaizumi’s number off his phone and then throw his phone out the window)

When he tells Matsukawa, he hears Hanamaki snort through the phone before Matsukawa chokes out a laugh as well. He’s about to get angry and defend Iwaizumi before he hears Matsukawa say, “Oikawa, we know.”

(Of course they know)

“What do you mean you know? Did he tell you guys?”

“No, he never said anything. It was just incredibly obvious to everyone that you two are in love with each other. And it’s ok.”

(It’s not ok)

“Us? In _love_? Absolutely not! I’m not gay, and he’s my best friend. I don’t feel that way about him.”

(He doesn’t)

Now Hanamaki is on the phone. “Oh? You have both always acted like you’re in love. I mean, you sync so well on the court, and we’ve all seen how mushy you get when you watch him play piano. We just always thought maybe you two would work well together.”

“You’ve it all wrong.”

(They’ve got it all wrong)

He hangs up the phone and stares at the wall.

 

 

Iwaizumi moved in next door to Oikawa when they were both four years old. They met when Iwaizumi climbed over his backyard fence, scaring the crap out of Oikawa in the process, to catch a bug. From there on out, they were seen together more often than not. Because they were best friends.

(They've always been best friends)

And as they got older, and taller, and bigger, they stayed best friends. Oikawa got a lot of confessions from girls, but so Iwaizumi. However, they always turned all the girls down. Oikawa didn’t think he needed a girlfriend. He had Iwaizumi, after all.

(But he isn’t gay. He isn’t)

They played volleyball together. Oikawa would set to Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi would spike it. They would practice. Then, Iwaizumi would leave for piano practice, because he wants to be a professional musician and he needs to practice. Oikawa wants to be an olympian, so he needs to practice too. But he would stay too late, and overwork himself. Iwaizumi would come back to the gym at midnight to bring him home. Because they’re best friends.

(He isn’t gay)

Oikawa reaches up to wipe his face, because apparently he’s crying.

That night, he wakes up with a soundless moan falling from his lips, in the shape of the name of his best friend, while he comes undone and lets himself unravel. He sits up, still in bliss, before realizing that he just had a wet dream about his best friend.

(He isn’t gay)

But then he’s thinking about Iwaizumi; he’s thinking about his shoulders and how they move when he jumps to slam a ball down, and his arms when they’re lifting weights, and his chest when he yanks his shirt off after practice, and his abs and all of the times he’s seen him below the belt and he’s already aroused again.

(Maybe it’s just physical)

Then he thinks about Iwaizumi’s laugh when Oikawa does something stupid, and how he smiles when he scores a point, and how his eyes flutter closed when they’re on the bus to go home after a match and he’s trying so hard to stay awake. And how his hands hit the keys on the piano to create sounds so perfect.

He buries his head in his hands and cries.

(Halfway across the world, Iwaizumi is asleep, not aware that Oikawa Tooru is almost one hundred percent sure that he is in love with him)

 

 

 

 

_iv. those differences i would put away_

“Mattsun, what do I do? I think I just had my gay awakening and I’m scared and confused which is bad because scared and confused are not things that describe Oikawa Tooru and this is a very big problem.”

Matsukawa sighed on the other end. “Just tell him! What the hell do you have to lose? He already told you he loved you like a month ago, right? Just call him.”

(Oikawa knew in his heart that if he was to call Iwaizumi, he wouldn’t be able to say a word, and would probably throw up in the process)

“Absolutely not. I can’t. Do you understand that I cannot properly put into words how I am feeling? Like, it’s impossible.” He paused to run a hand through his hair. “Also, I’m not sure I’m in love with him. I just need to talk to him.”

(He is sure he’s in love; he’s just not sure it’s a good idea)

Hanamaki is on the phone now. “Oikawa, I want you to imagine something. I want you to imagine your wedding. Now, where do you think Iwaizumi will be standing at your wedding?”

Oikawa considers this. “Well, even if things never got resolved between us, I want him to be my best man no matter what.”

Hanamaki sighs and mutters something to Matsukawa. “Ok, then who are you marrying? Who is your bride/groom?”

That stops Oikawa in his tracks. He isn’t sure about this; he always assumed he’d marry some pretty girl, and have a few kids with her, and work at a business, and that was that. “Um. I don’t know.”

(He can’t even imagine a face in that wedding gown right now, and he can’t see the future he’d always thought he’d have clearly anymore. He can picture it, but he can’t picture himself being happy)

“What if the person next to you was Iwaizumi?”

(Now he pictures Iwaizumi next to him in a black suit, with that smile on his face. He sees two silver wedding bands. He sees a small apartment where Iwaizumi cooks most nights and Oikawa does the laundry, with a small dog and a big bed that they share and-)

“Oh.”

Matsukawa laughs. “I think you know what you have to do. We wish you luck.”

(Oikawa had found out that it takes 13 hours and 15 minutes in he takes a connecting flight from Tokyo to Berlin, and that the round trip cost is $954, which is pretty pricey but he’s sure his mother will understand when she sees the bills later on. He borrows a suit from Matsukawa, who tells him that Iwaizumi’s next performance starts in 15 hours and that he should really get moving)

He’s on a plane from Mongolia to Berlin and he can’t sleep because he’s nervous, but he finally does fall asleep when it starts getting dark out. The plane’s descent doesn’t start for another several hours, but he has too much time to think and to try and back out, so sleep is the best option.

When the plane lands, his suit is wrinkled and he has an hour to get to Iwaizumi’s performance and get flowers. He hails a taxi and tells him to step on it.

(He gets roses because you can’t go wrong with roses, and he gets to the auditorium as soon as the performance is ending)

And he sees Iwaizumi, sitting at the piano, with his hands fluttering against the black and white keys effortlessly. He sees that his eyes are closed, and the music is gentle to his ears, and the room is quiet except for the music.

(He’s crying again, but he’ll never admit it)

The song ends, and the audience applauds. Iwaizumi stands up, and walks off the stage and people start filing out of the room.

He walks outside and waits by the back, regretting his decision not to bring a jacket with him as he shivers, waiting for the door to open.

(He remembers a time years ago when he forgot his jacket on the subway when Iwaizumi lent his jacket to him, but he ended up never giving it back and still has it in his closet)

The door finally opens, and Iwaizumi walks out. He takes a few steps before noticing Oikawa leaning against the wall, red rose petals frostig in the cold, with a red nose and a small smile. “Hey,” is all Oikawa can say before he’s smothered in a hug.

(The roses are crushed, but neither of them mind too much)

Iwaizumi pulls away quickly. “Sorry.” He smiles sheepishly. “What are you doing here? You could’ve just called me, you know.”

Oikawa smiles. “Well, I had something I really had to tell you. And I would love to still tell you, but I would also like to get out of this cold before my nose falls off.”

(This time, when Iwaizumi starts to take off his jacket to give to him, Oikawa protests, insisting they’ll be in the warm buildings soon)

Once they’re inside, he steels himself and spins Iwaizumi around to look at him. “Ok, so I might not sound as poetic as you did, but I’ll sure as hell try.”

(He had considered writing a poem when he was on the plane, but thankfully, decided against it)

“When I look at you, I see a galaxy. You were so much of my life back in highschool that I didn’t even realize that you were my life. And I still want you to be. I want you to dominate my life and to be such a big part of who I am that a life without you seems unimaginable.”

(A life without Iwaizumi Hajime is absolutely unimaginable)

“I love you. I love you so much that I spent 14 hours on a plane. I love you so much that I stayed in bed this past month because I was so confused about what I wanted to do and who I was. I love you so much I cried during every one of your piano recitals for the past 10 years. I love you so much that a life without you in it isn’t a life I will ever look forward to.”

Iwaizumi smiled crookedly and placed a hand on Oikawa’s cheek. “I couldn’t have said that better myself.”

(When Iwaizumi kisses him, it isn’t very romantic; he doesn’t feel sparks or see fireworks or feel that his life is changed; because he feels that maybe this is how it was always meant to be.

 **  
** And it couldn’t be any more perfect)

**Author's Note:**

> this was such a mistake but i hope you enjoyed my mistakes


End file.
